April 2, 2014

If Not Now

I'm not sure what's going on here.  Maybe it's watching my children hit landmark birthdays, that it seems like I was just freaking out about hitting myself, that's causing the "if not now when" bug, but something is definitely afoot and haunting me.

It started as a restlessness with the status quo.  I wasn't unhappy...just unsettled.  That led to examining everything I'd been doing for so long by rote.  You know, the one foot in front of the other motions of going through life on auto pilot thing.  It's easy to fall into.  After all, it's comfortable and isn't comfortable safe?

The restlessness brought with it questions.  Questions like:  Why am I doing this?  What am I hoping the outcome will be?  Am I even invested in that outcome?  What if I realize the expected outcome? Then what?  Will that lead me to where I want to be or where I use to want to be?

Those annoying questions that interrupted my "sameness" have now pushed me into wanting answers to them.  I was perfectly fine not having the answers before the questions started showing up!  

Mind you, I didn't ASK for any of this!  I was just minding my own business when one day "restlessness" just showed up at the door and pushed it's way inside when I opened it just a tiny crack. After getting over it's initial ill mannered arrival, I can't begin to tell you how exciting it is to have it as a guest.

Taking time to analyze the what's and why's of my life has been an exciting process.  It's set me on a course of adventure and taken me into uncharted parts of myself that I didn't know existed, much less had considered exploring!

I've done things I swore I'd never do...like stopped swearing I'd never do something for instance.  I've been a compulsive "non-changer" all my life and I've made a mission of avoiding new and potentially scary things.  Now, the scary thing to me is not exploring.  Not finding something new.  

What's scary is to think that I've reached the end of growth and would now have to tie the two ends of my life together into "the loop."  "The loop" is where people live after they've decided to stop exploring.  In the "loop" you only have past experiences to play over and over.  Loop conversations are conversations that always start with "remember that time..."  I've been part of enough "loop" conversations recently to know that I don't want to be the one to start the next one!

So, do I know where all of this exploration and questioning will take me?  Not a clue. (Isn't that great?!)  The only thing I know for sure is that change is coming, and I'm as excited about the trip as I am to find out where we're going together.  If not now when?  If not me...WHO?  

How about you?  Are you still on an adventure to the center of you?  If not now, when? Maybe an even better question is why?


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